Crisis Of Faith

I’m breaking away from discussions about my Mom for this post. Well, mostly – she’s going to come up, but not as the main thrust.

I’ve been somewhat struck lately by a need to reaffirm my faith. Not faith in the way that mainstream America would consider to be a “conventional” kind of faith. Not the typical Judeo-Christian kind of faith, which, due mostly to the utter hypocrisy that I see from most who claim such faith, I have little or no use for. I believe that I can honestly say that it would take less than my ten fingers to count the number of true Christians I have met in my lifetime. For their sake, I will say for the record that when you do meet a true Christian, you will find that person to be one of the most amazing people you could ever hope to meet. You’ll forgive me for going down this road, but I need to state the things that I don’t believe in, and why, before I state the things that I do believe in, but that I find a need to reaffirm for myself these days.

I meet so many “Christians” who claim that they know without any doubt what their God expects of them. Thus, they go about their daily lives, reviling this group of people, condemning another group of people, looking down their noses at the poor, the hungry, the homeless. There is one so-called “Christian” preacher who is well known for his “God hates fags” slogan. Excuse me, but isn’t Christianity supposed to be a religion of tolerance? You don’t see many gay Christians (yes, there is such a thing, believe it or not), walking around carrying signs that read, “God hates heteros.”

My point is that as a whole, denominational religions tend to be very self-righteous and judgmental of anyone who does not believe exactly the same things that they believe. Here in America, that religious group tends to be the fundamental Christians. As a whole, they give hypocrisy a whole new level of meaning.

I was taught the spiritual practices of the Northern Cree people. While I was brought up Catholic, I rejected that religion quite early on, though I was required by my mother to attend mass regularly. Once I left home, I turned my back on Catholicism completely. The reasons for that are not important. For quite some time, I led a life with no spiritual practices at all, really. Then finally, I came to recognize the importance of those practices, of the existence of that faith in one’s life. It was at that point that I took up the regular practice of my Cree beliefs.

While mine is essentially an “Earth-based” faith, I do believe in a Creator, a Great Spirit who was responsible for the creation of the universe that we inhabit. However, unlike the other deities that I’m familiar with, mine has laid down no laws or rules to follow. Rather, I am guided through my life to always try and do the right things, the things that will please Creator.

Traditional teachings are as relevant today as they were in the time of my Ancestors. They are blueprints for human behavior – they connect us to the teachers of the natural and supernatural worlds, celestial beings, plants, animals, earth, air, fire, water – respected equals, in other words, whose unique traits provide models for living in a “good way.” There are lessons to be learned from both the secular and supernatural worlds – to be passed down from generation to generation through songs, drumming, stories, sharing, caring, medicine wheel teachings and ceremony.

These days, though, like many people of almost any faith do at some point, I find myself wondering if my faith is strong enough. My mother is dying of cancer. Her faith is not the same faith as mine, and I’m finding it difficult to reconcile the two spiritual worlds. It seems as though it should be simple: She will go to be with “THE” Supreme Being. There really is only one, in my opinion. Call that being God, Creator, Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, whatever; it’s all the same thing, you’re just using different names. And yet, I find myself worried and a bit taken aback. I criticize those “other” beliefs for not recognizing that theirs is not a monopoly on spirituality, yet here I am, worried that my mother may not make a safe journey to the other side because she doesn’t follow the teachings of the Cree elders.

When I rejected my Catholicism, I didn’t view it as a “crisis of faith,” and I still don’t. Rather, it was a rejection of religious authoritarianism. I eventually made my way to a set of spiritual beliefs and practices that are anything but authoritarian. There was a time when I thought that my faith was strong enough to reassure me that Creator would bring home anyone who crossed over, no matter their belief system. Now, I find that my faith is perhaps a little less than that strong.

As I’ve prayed about this, I’ve found that the more time I spend praying about it, the less assured I become in my beliefs. That is more than a little unnerving for me. I go out and pray twice a day, at sunrise and sunset, and each time, I come away feeling a bit less sure of myself.

All of this self-doubt comes at a time when I’ve been honored immensely. At the request of several people, I will be the leader of a sweat lodge ceremony, something that is only done by a person who is either a medicine person, or an elder. I have to wonder, did this request come because I need to do this in order to reaffirm my own faith by trying to teach others? Given my seeming lack of faith, do I have any right at all to be attempting to lead these people in a sweat lodge ceremony? How can I help them to learn more about their own faith, when my own is in question right now?

What the hell is happening to me?